Maybe, I am the Problem

Sorry, for taking so long to write to you. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, at this point but one last chance yeah?

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I pride myself on being a very self-aware person, in the sense that there is almost no observation anyone could make about me that I have not already made and reflected on personally. At the same time, I pride myself on being very calculating, and this is one reason why I cannot just "go with the flow" or take very big risks—because God forbid I fail.

A while back, I was having a conversation with a friend. While we were discussing societal pressure and how it seems young people are doing amazing things while others feel they are not doing enough, I caught myself feeling extremely drained—because I didn’t belong to either side. I felt like I was simply existing.

Maybe, I am the problem. Maybe I have set goals too high that even when I achieve bite and pieces, I don't get to feel fulfilled because I still have a long way to go and I never get to see these little wins as wins or even celebrate them.

Maybe, the society is the problem. Maybe because I stood out as a kid, the society has programmed me to hate failure and dispise imperfection. And now, I don't know what it is like to be normal, I don't know what it is like to just be myself without trying to fit into certain societal standards.

Maybe, life is the problem. Maybe life has set me up by setting me on this path to test me and see how well I can handle these back and forth without losing my mind when in reality, I'm just a girl.

I'm just a girl, but I have never gotten to be "just a girl." I have had to "man up," "live up to the task," "take charge," "be bold"—and do so many things to keep life’s challenges from overwhelming me. Now, I don’t know who I am anymore. And yet, the young girl I could have been claws at my insides daily, trying to break free. On some days, she manages to, before I pick her up and tuck her far away into this emptiness—forgive me if I don't know exactly what to do. It's my first time living.

And maybe you are just like me, living everyday with a smile that is gradually slipping away and this numbness gradually spreading through every single vein and muscle slowly sucking life out of you.

Maybe, all we need to do is realize that we do not have to be perfect. That we can show the world how imperfect we are. And though the world will judge our imperfections, it will move on to the next distraction, and we will be fine in the end.

Maybe, all we need to do is take life one step at a time. And even though those steps seem small, we will eventually reach the top of the ladder—in the time that destiny says we will—and it won’t come with the usual strain.

Maybe, all we need to do is heal our inner child and finally discover who we were meant to be.

I started this newsletter by saying 'I'm on a journey of self-discovery' and it's been almost three years but I am yet to discover because the more I uncover, the more I discover and maybe that's how life is meant to be. So, I guess we'll be here for a very long time. Here's to discovering ourselves together.